My mother died 11 years ago today. Among the many things which occurred during those few horrendous weeks following this trauma, was the purchase of a tall candle; my intent was to light it each Oct 18, to commemorate, remember, forgive...heal.
Each year, I remembered as October approached...and remembered again...at the end of the month. By the 3rd or so year of this nonsense, it occurred to me that I wasn't fond of the game my mind was playing, so I tried harder - to be more 'punctual'.
By the 6th year, I caught on; my subconscious was just not ready to face the unpleasant reality it had endured.
Last year, I reunited with my sister, following an 11 year hiatus, birthed from the turmoil of pain and anger during those ensuing months, 11 years ago. She and I have shared a growing year, filled with learning and forgiveness and the rearranging of a few of my memories. Interesting...how memories sometimes have the convenient power to arrange themselves in the most 'comfortable' places. Stress...may not be the forte of the human subconscious.
So, here it is - today, the 18th of October. 11 years ago, our Mommy said her goodbyes to her children in the 'comfort' of her living room. We all were there, around her bed, comforting her; holding her hands, wiping her forehead, carefully marking the clock for pain meds, attempting to deal with the horribly painful human trauma of death and separation.
Today...is a 'different' year. Today, my sister and I spoke about butterflies instead of separation; Love instead of anger; memories, instead of loss. Today, during the numerous passes by her candle with it's 'eternal' flame, Mommy and I shared words, feelings, memories...healing.
I'm not sure I understand the 'meaning' of life or what pre or pro-cedes our physical time spent here. But my Love and attention to 50 some years of Nature, assures me that life always pre and pro-cedes as it should. Fierce and sometimes lethal thunderstorms bring new growth to the Earth and life-giving water. The sometimes dangerous Sun, gives warmth and light. Death is a part of life, a part of the natural cycle of the planet we call home.
Today I commemorate Mommy. I salute Nature and life...and Love...and healing. This 11th year, I remember...and hug my memories, instead of my pain.
As always, Nature prevails.
Thank you for the lovely post. You say so much.
ReplyDeleteWhat a magnificent and wonderful tribute to a woman who brought you life and gave you a sense of identity. She's given you much and you've graciously taken more. There's such a wonderful tribute that mother's give their children and we lack the sensitivity to understand it when we're children. It often takes years, sometimes even after death (so I may not have it yet) to understand the concept of a mother's love.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your sharing this. Thank you.
Jan
Thank you both, for your input.
ReplyDeleteThe cycle of life, and all its complexities, never ceases to leave me in awe and gratitude.
Danielle